Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not immauture....... I just know how to have fun.

   If you ordered the worlds largest box from Amazon what would they ship it in?

   Rule #1 in marriage. If she not happy you won't be happy.

   I never drink because I wouldn't want to appear relaxed or approachable.

   What is it that you have that other people use more often than you do?....... Your name :)

   Have you solved the PUZZLE or are you still looking for the pieces ?

   Do squirrels ever die from old age or are they all murdered?

   Dictionary the only place where divorce comes before marriage.

   The lack of hair is the main cause of baldness.

   Note to our friends from the south ,The Canadian Word EH! has been replaced with WAH ? Stay stoned my friends .

   Me: Garçon! l'll have your finest bar of xanax and be quick with it! My pharmacist: get out

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like drinking alcohol to lose weight.

   Shortest 1st date ever she asked what's my favorite movie & I said Ghostbusters & then she asked what's it about..

   its impossible to play hide and seek with the dog

   Let's forget about the remake of Dirty Dancing like we forgot about Bill Cosby

   Maybe Farmers Insurance will do a commercial with Tiger driving now!

   I just want the confidence of a short guy in a big SUV.

   Was watching the old Night of the living Dead. I though how awful that would be. All those smoke detectors beeping from low batteries.

   OJ told the judge "I would kill to get out of here".

   Dear Summer.....where are you going???Why are you leaving me??? Whyyyyyyyy.... All these back to school pics...and and and...school supplies.....and .....school zone lights are flashing again....