Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

   I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. Well, it’s true. After going to the gym this morning, I’ve decided I’m never going again.

   Coming out can be hard as people don't understand our way of life and can be very close minded, but I feel in this day and age I can no longer be afraid to say I love Disco!

   Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it..

   Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking

   If I got attacked by a bunch of homeless people I think I would really be bummed.

   My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he's sleeping in the RV.

   My son answered a test question "What causes the earth to rotate?" with "Fat bottomed girls." He failed the test but won my RESPECT.

   Im sorry ladies, but life is not a fairy tale, and If you lose your shoe after midnight it means, well, you’re drunk.

   Can someone write an article on millenials killing the doorbell industry by texting "here"

   keep up the good jokes. whoever you are. don't listen to that man behind the curtain

   Disney has a new movie coming out. TinkerBell meets her brother, Taco.

   Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism among any animal.

   a lot of younger folks won’t remember this but before 9/11 you were allowed to grill your own meats on airplanes

   Cruelty is people with back pain having to bend over at the pharmacy to get a tube of Bengay from the bottom shelf.

   If you inbox a woman “hey” she immediately takes off all her clothes. Everyone knows that.

   this new "space force" we're going to have....will basic training include making the kessel run in less than 12 parsecs

   I'm so old I can remember when ripped jeans meant you'd been attacked by a bear. Those were the days.

   Did you know that 6 out of the 7 dwarves were not happy?

   I answered that Ancestry.com ad and asked for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over. FML.