Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 26 of 6383
Cognitive Dissonance ~ Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they’re presented with evidence against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted.
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05-30-2022 00:05
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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you’re in.
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06-01-2022 11:47
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No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of booze out of them at the office meeting.
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06-03-2022 02:53
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Its not that I hate kids, i'm just following the instructions of every medicine bottle in my bathroom cabinet "Keep away from children"
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06-13-2022 00:35 by Luka
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Mike Hunt is bald
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08-08-2024 01:24
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Most of being an adult is whispering “f*ck this” while doing it anyway. 😏
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01-24-2023 00:17
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An old-fashioned candy necklace, but with tums and ibuprofen.
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04-30-2022 15:37
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Her: wtf… why’d you fu!c my mom? Him: You kept calling me daddy and I got confused, chill.
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05-07-2022 22:07
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Reach ~ as high as you can, and then a little higher. There you will find magic and possibility… and maybe even cookies.
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05-12-2022 01:36
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R.I.P boiled water, you will be mist.
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05-24-2022 05:04
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When your landlord finds all your dog collars and leashes, but you don’t have a dog. ~ I’m a kinky girl, I’m a very kinky girl.
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05-29-2022 00:38
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Trying to breathe quietly while walking uphill, so bystanders don’t hear me fighting for my life.
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05-31-2022 00:06
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An empty browser history says more than a full one.
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06-03-2022 02:53
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A dog is able to learn up to 250 words and gestures and count up to 5, equivalent to a human age: 3. A cat doesn’t give a dam, and is sick of your crap, equivalent to a human age: 42.
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06-08-2022 01:37
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When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.
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06-24-2022 23:14
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I hide at work, because a good employee is hard to find.
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07-03-2022 11:20
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Have you ever been so mad that you were calm?
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05-12-2022 01:35
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The same people who are candy to our eyes can be poison to our hearts. Study their ingredients before feeding them to your soul.
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05-12-2022 01:37
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I’ve spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but they still get in.
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05-18-2022 00:43
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T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.
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05-24-2022 05:04
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