Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Believe in yourself, especially when no one else will. ~ Sasquatch

   The ghosts from A Christmas Carol are the scariest, because they show you what people are saying about you behind your back.

   Nothing brings more peace, when you stop giving a f*ck.

   When you put 30 dollars in the tank and the gas light is still on.

   I’m all out of snacks. What else do people do for fun? 🤔

   Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.

   One way to be hospitable, is to help visitors know when it’s time to leave.

   Some of you are going to keep trusting the system until your pronouns are was/were. 🙁

   Tonight’s Powerball Jackpot is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.

   doing strange things in the name of art.

   If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.

   Day 712 without sex: went jogging in flip flops to remember the sound.

   One of us is right and the other one is you.

   Went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

   I know it was months ago, but I still don’t like how you all acted over toilet paper.

   Dear social media platform, it’s not your job to fact check our posts. You’re a platform, not a publisher.

   Kicking open the bathroom stall at work after eating 4 jalapeno cheddar taquitos from the Exon Mobil gas station on my lunch break.

   Need a conversation starter for your next cookout? Arrange the chicken pieces on the grill to look like a cat.

   16 Psyche is one of the most massive asteroids in the asteroid belt. It’s made of materials like gold, platinum and nickel. It’s value is estimated to be around 700 quintillion USD.

   I'd rather be rich than stupid.