Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 2 of 6383
Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.
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01-09-2023 02:48
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Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.
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01-13-2023 02:50
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When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔
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01-23-2023 03:06
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I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.
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06-24-2022 23:16
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Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.
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01-13-2023 02:41
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The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
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01-18-2023 01:09
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Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.
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01-19-2023 02:09
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Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”
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01-10-2023 02:13
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Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.
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06-21-2022 22:45
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Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.
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06-27-2022 03:05
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All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.
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01-04-2023 02:36
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You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.
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01-09-2023 03:00
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Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.
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01-18-2023 01:24
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How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.
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01-19-2023 01:53
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It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.
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01-12-2023 01:08
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Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.
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01-19-2023 04:12
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Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.
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06-26-2022 00:10
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It’s time for the 99% of us who are not offended by everything to quit catering to the 1% who are.
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06-30-2022 01:00
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Lady: How did you fix that horrible annoying noise my car was making? Auto Technician: We simply removed your Taylor Swift CD and replaced it with Van Halen. 😎
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01-24-2023 00:16
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The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.
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01-06-2023 17:52
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