Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ground up everyone in the world, it would create a meatball the size of Central Park.

   Her: You’re so childish, I’m leaving you. Him: Good luck with that, the floor is lava.

   If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.

   If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.

   A burglar broke into my home last night. I put the red dot on his chest and the cat did the rest.

   Tinder is for rookies. Go to Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. This will show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.

   Tesla kicked out of S&P 500’s ESG Index, never saw that coming.

   Deleting history has become more important than making it.

   A man is buying an apple a banana and two eggs. The cashier says, “you must be single.” The man says, “wow, that’s right, how did you know?” The cashier says, “because you’re ugly.”

   Sign at the ten-minute oil change ~ “We won’t fart in your car.”

   My mortgage identifies as a student loan.

   Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A. One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

   Q: What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? A: Outlaws are wanted.

   If you don’t have time to pull over and fight, don’t honk your horn at me.

   When she tries to pull your pants down on the first date.

   I attack ideas, I don’t attack people. Some very good people have some very bad ideas. If you can’t separate the two, I suggest you find another day job.

   That sweaty first kiss balled up on the couch, hand up her shirt, praying your parents don’t walk in on a Saturday night.

   You: Be noble, for you are made from the stars. Be humble, for you are made from the earth. Me: Where do you get your weed?

   This is not just a silly grin on my face, it’s a highly educated one.

   When I think of you I touch myself meaning I rub my temples because you give me a headache.