Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.

   When you try to swallow a pill, but it doesn’t go down and now it’s dissolving in your mouth.

   Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.

   “We need to change Washington DC from the inside.” Me: I say we blast off and nuke the entire site from orbit.

   Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.

   Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”

   If you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’s going to wear for the next five years.

   Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracy takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? Me: A sucker-punch in the breadbox.

   I’m going to need some of you guys to start getting weirder, I cannot keep pulling all the weight like this. 😏

   Counting to ten only makes it premeditated.

   There are two kinds of people: Those who do whatever they’re told, no matter what. And, people who will do what is right, no matter what they are told. 😉

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? (flashback to me chasing a racoon after she told me to leave it alone) Me: I’m having an affair.

   You technically have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the timer.

   We’re not drilling for oil here because of “global warming.” But, we’re going to let someone else drill the same amount of oil somewhere else and burn even more oil to get it here. Brilliant.

   The mystery of the exotic truck nuts.

   The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have now started asking humans to prove they are not a robot.

   Asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

   I need to get my life together but I’m kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort into it.

   When you send a risky text and see (….) for ten minutes.

   I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.