Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. All loans matter.

   64 year old man: Making love to a younger woman may be fatal…. But if she dies, she dies.

   IQ Test: To see results, enter your credit card number.

   How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.

   Demonstrate how much you suck.

   Most folks keep their trap shut when they’ve nothing interesting to say. Not you, your flipper flaps like the national deficit.

   A patient cured is a customer lost.

   The best zoom calls are the ones where a pet makes a cameo like Stan Lee in one of the Marvel movies.

   Octopuses are just wet spiders.

   Every few years, you reevaluate your concept of old. 😉

   Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?

   Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add that to our resumes.

   To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.

   I do not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend until death your right to say it.

   it, stick a needle in everyone or my body my choice? Pick one.

   Life is too short to die a coward.

   Trying to figure out how I spent 15k on chicken nuggets this year.

   Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

   Her: If you want me to break social distancing rules, it better be worth it. Him: I will use your coochie like an N95 mask.

   Any person capable of angering you becomes your master.