Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   5lb cell phone, 10lb gold chain & 120lb boom box...no wonder 80's kids now have back problems.

   I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.

   I just saved a TON of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook.

   If I ever win the lottery, I'd stay the same person I am today. My poor decisions, however, will become gloriously epic.

   We were so close, I never noticed I had been deleted as a friend.

   I don't mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...

   First Rule of Camping: Start building the tent before you start drinking....

   Figured out why woman love serial killer documentaries so much. They’re about men who are dedicated, they have a plan, and are full of surprises.

   My great-grandfather fought in World War I and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. You might say he was a seasoned veteran.

   Gold Star Chili ~ The only place where you can ask for a 3 way and not get charged with sexual-harassment.

   That one sounded like a un-oiled door opening slowly.

   Never tie your shoelaces in Paris.

   Just made me some synonym rolls. Just like grammar used to make.

   The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.

   At my age, safe sex means only sleeping with women who know CPR.

   I've started investing in stocks. Beef, Chicken, and Vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

   The Lion King is the best way that people from Michigan can see a group of Lions come together and win

   I would like to announce my candidacy for mayor of Facebook.

   Love this time of year when I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display.

   My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.