Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracy takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? Me: A sucker-punch in the breadbox.

   I’m going to need some of you guys to start getting weirder, I cannot keep pulling all the weight like this. 😏

   Counting to ten only makes it premeditated.

   There are two kinds of people: Those who do whatever they’re told, no matter what. And, people who will do what is right, no matter what they are told. 😉

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? (flashback to me chasing a racoon after she told me to leave it alone) Me: I’m having an affair.

   A burglar broke into my home last night. I put the red dot on his chest and the cat did the rest.

   We’re not drilling for oil here because of “global warming.” But, we’re going to let someone else drill the same amount of oil somewhere else and burn even more oil to get it here. Brilliant.

   The mystery of the exotic truck nuts.

   The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have now started asking humans to prove they are not a robot.

   Asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

   I need to get my life together but I’m kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort into it.

   I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.

   If you ground up everyone in the world, it would create a meatball the size of Central Park.