Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a 100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?" Now thats what I call being BOLD

   Maybe, just maybe, if more teenagers got their mouths washed out with soap as a child by their parents, these idiots wouldn't be attempting a "Tide Pod Challenge" .....

   How do nudist clean their glasses?

   The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?"

   Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.

   All those Olympic curlers are headed back home now, where the wife is standing by the door with a mop and a broom saying "no more excuses"

   Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.

   Why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?

   Dancing in the 70's: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at

   If you millenials want to know what it was like to talk on a payphone, just lick the handle of a grocery cart.

   does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .

   Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?

   Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

   A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.

   You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.