Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did

   Last time I told my kids to play outdoors they thought I was talking about some old school riock group. They asked Siri to play songs by Outdoors.

   I'm holding out for the Buttermilk Ranch Tide pods.

   Stranger Things got it all wrong. It should have started Season 1 as Strange Things

   The only thing shocking about people on the red carpet now is when they touch something metal

   I keep failing this captcha test and now I think I may be a robot

   Trying to find a name for your child really exposes how many people you have met in your life that you now hate

   Tide pods are just cleaning up the people that should have been stains in the first place.

   You’re multifaceted like a diamond, or a schizophrenic.

   Boss: You're fired Me: *turns in my gun and my badge* Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those

   Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine

   He floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee......Happy Birthday.....to the LEGENDARY Man Muhammad Ali

   My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry, which led to me playing a game of Uno

   Someone should invent an alarm clock that automatically reports you sick when you've pressed snooze 3 times

   I just wonder when they are going to post the videos of the new teen challenge "blow off your left leg challenge" or the new "decapitate yourself challenge"

   When we first ment on a blind date my girlfriend wasn't that interested in me. Untill she saw me lick my eyebrows.

   Somewhere in Michigan an 8-year-old boy farted half a beat before that meteor set off an earthquake. It was the greatest moment of his life.

   There were no Tide pods back in my day....we just ate it by the scoop like maniacs

   I mix my Tide Pods with Red Bull so I get the benefit of clean energy.......

   Are we really that bored and stupid as a country that the “Tide Pod Challenge “ is even a thing? Wtf