Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just heard a commercial on the radio that said your hair loss has to do with your jeans. I guess that's why I still have all my hair. Because I don't wear jeans.

   The gateway to "make up sex" is arguing. Go start a good argument and then give in for the reward.

   California has the highest rate of both Depression and Adultery. It's a sad state of affairs.

   "I'm leaving Twitter" is the new "I'm moving to Canada."

   Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.

   Today at the Buffet I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

   I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

   To whom it may concern, If you are reading this, that means there’s not a thing you can do about it now.

   ANOTHER DAY has passed by and I still HAVEN’T USED a²+b²=c²

   We know your from Michigan because You think alkaline batteries were named for a tiger outfielder.

   A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating “vacation breasts,” which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who gets a three-week vacation?

   Please stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

   OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth.

   microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

   If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?

   Men, do not treat your woman like an object! It doesn't like that.

   Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout.... I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

   Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from last Thanksgiving.

   BREAKING NEWS: Colts defeated the Raider’s last Sunday in Las Vegas but hold all tickets as Nevada has called for a recount of the score so game won’t be official for a couple weeks or so!

   BBL payment plan is crazy. Now you workin yo ass off to pay yo ass off.