Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know my people invented the Toothbrush? If it was invented by anyone else, they would have called it a teethbrush.

   More bad news from Hollywood: George Clooney survived his motorcycle wreck.

   Why is it a man's opinion can be express in a few minutes. Where a woman's opinion takes an hour.

   If you believe in open borders ..Why is your fence so high .

   A decision so bad you wish you had just got a face tattoo instead.

   "Hi, I'm here to ruin your life" - Social media

   So how long before GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?

   Thinking of making a horror movie titled Front Facing Camera

   Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says "another day in paradise".

   Did you know that smacking a bar waitress on the a$$ will get you a drink from the special menu ?..

   If you support open borders, then you should be fine with them living in your spare bedroom.

   I hate when peeps say "Be Pacific"... Okay dumb @$$ and you be Atlantic.

   If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?

   I just assume every Italian person ever has met Rocky

   Your first mistake was asking her what she is thinking and your second was listening to her reply.

   I just want to be rich enough to get away with 2 murders. 3 tops.

   If you wake up to pee, don't "take a second" to check your Facebook. It's a trap.

   it just me or has this World Cup been on for like 149 years?

   Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hasn't released a movie in three weeks. I hope he's okay.

   Why is it so hard to get the sticky label off of a new non-stick frying pan?