Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband knew he couldn't scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

   ME: [bird watching] PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

   Me: Garçon! l'll have your finest bar of xanax and be quick with it! My pharmacist: get out

   : [zoo] cop: what happened here? boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

   Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

   My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

   Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

   Lou Dobbs, where is Whakhulaaaah Mexico?

   the world that tramp lives in any wheres near the land of OZ?

   It should be a Thanksgiving tradition that one of the football games be the Patriots vs the Redskins.

   I finally finished my 2017 Thanksgiving leftovers. And in 22 days, it starts all over again.

   Best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their Halloween candy.

   I had to quit drinking caffeine on DOCTOR'S orders and Alcohol on COURT orders.

   Red sox clinch world series. L.A. Dodgers won't have to go to white house. So who's the real winner?

   Everyone knows that one "special" person who's so well rounded they're pointless"

   I'm going to be an endangered species this year for Halloween.... An english speaking troubleshooting operator .

   If I see 1 more person texting and driving,I'm rolling down my window and throwing my bong at them..

   I'm surprised the weather channel hasn't started naming the caravans......

   With all the Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas iteam for sale at the sametime in the stores they should call it Hallogivemas sale.

   Roses are red, facebook is blue no mutual friends, who the hell are you?