Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *first day as an accountant* me: so where are the ants?

   in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

   Am sorry I asked you 'Who is the father' when you told me your wife is pregnant.

   [scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock] scooby: RIVORCE???

   Black bears smell up to 18 miles when hunting food. I smell my neighbor's barbecuing ribs and invite myself over. It's survival.

   If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

   How to make meals for toddlers: Step 1. Choose any food. Step 2. Throw it away.

   In hell, everyone can see your Google search history.

   Not now, I'm binge watching the weather channel.

   Dude seriously drew his own own projected hurrican lines like a third grader changing a F into a B on his report card.

   He has the skin tone and the brain of a goldfish.

   How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention.

   The best Safeword you can use is "Meatloaf." It means "I would do anything for love but I won't do that."

   people worry about their "summer body" but I've been working on my "winter weight" for years

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel good when someone says, "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult *ahem*... not so much.

   If you don't hold your breath when the microwave is counting down we can't be friends

   Just heard on the news that is sure indication you might want to evacuate before the hurricane hits is if your local Waffle House closes.

   My Deep Thought: Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

   Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

   The night before the kids go back to school is the grown ups version of Christmas Eve.