Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why would you be scared to get measles? You haven't left your couch since 2011.

   Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

   Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast? Applicant: I'll get you an answer in about a week. Manager: Brilliant! You're hired.

   Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...

   Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.

   Children are the best fundraisers because they don't understand economics: Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat 12 year old me: That is such a great deal

   At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

   Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can't help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

   Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can't help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

   Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

   Dog 911: hello Dog: I accidentally ate the trash Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry Dog: but I'm not sorry Dog 911: I said pretend

   The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They're like, "Hey, what's your friend's name?" Never works on me ladies.

   I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

   [Dinner at Arby's] Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home Me: Ahh memories

   [Eulogy] Bicyclist's Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

   Since when is it unconstitutional for an acting president to seek help from a foriegn country to win an election?

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on this morning she'll think she lost weight.

   My horoscope today just said "NOPE"

   Bruce Willis pours a can of Red Bull onto his flower bed then drinks 8 gallons of water out of a watering can before realising his mistake

   My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I'm excited to see how I'm doing in algebra.