Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts

   Next person who says "it's not the heat, it's the humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact.

   Jogging backwards because I'm trying to gain a little weight

   Facebook is the only place where its acceptable to talk to a wall

   My first laptop was an Etch-A-Sketch.

   If uve ever noticed this notice you will probably notice that this notice was not worth noticing.......:P

   Seriously... Something to do before 2010 is over. Come out of the closet. Everyone's got the gaydar on you already. (It will only hurt a little!) ;)

   Dont you hate it when Madonna steals you from an african village!

   I propose we plug the Gulf oil leak with BP executives.

   Dont worry, if we do all die in 2012... at least Justin Beiber dies also ..

   What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? el-if-i-no

   Good moms let you lick the beaters...great moms turn the mixer off first!

   confesses he only watches "Dancing with The Stars" for the boobs.

   I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey.

   1852 was a great year, they found the cure for stupidity .... a smith and wesson

   afraid of yellow crayons.

   you shouldn't let fear keep you from doing what's right.

   will be attending Sleep. Invited By : Mr Sandman.RSVP: Yes. Location: My Bed. Time: Now until 7 Am.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice...

   To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness...