Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   keep up the good jokes. whoever you are. don't listen to that man behind the curtain

   The guy who keeps flooding the page with jokes has some really corny and unfunny jokes.

   Billy Joel's Friend: bill I hate that we've kept this from you, but.. we started the fire Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

   I know words. I have the best words. I just don't know how to spell them.

   Those who ignore my posts... may your crush fall in love with your best friend

   I may have done quite a number of bad things in my life... But never tagged 49 people just to get 9 likes

   Being in a long distance relationship is like saying, "I have an iPhone, but it's in USA"

   Gf: You've never even smiled at me since we started dating! Bf: I thought you said you wanted a serious relationship...

   Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you cant laugh at yourself, call me...i'll laugh at you..!!!

   When my girlfriend makes me angry... I look at her through the fork and pretend she's in jail. It heals me spiritually

   Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is Salad!!

   MOM: Is your high school crush still doing fine?? ME: Hell no!! She went from elegant to elephant!!

   I found my boss eating peanuts the other day and I shouted.... "Why are you eating my salary?" And surprisingly, we laughed together.... Then he fired me...!!

   I've learned so much from my mistakes... I'm thinking of making a few more...

   I will never insult my ex... That idiot was once my happiness!

   Imagine letting your crush copy your assignment and then she gets a 3 out of 100%. After how long wil you be able to propose to her?

   You are busy telling someone’s daughter that you can’t breathe without her... Is your family aware that you are on life support?

   How did the dude sell us out when the other dude and his kid made all the money? Enquiring minds (and the Feds) want to know, Joe.

   Due to rising operational costs, I will no longer be able to provide dirty deeds at a dirt cheap rate. Thank you for your understanding.

   Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.