Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Horses get farted on more than any other animal.

   Eggs are so expensive that I am eating steak, lobster, and caviar for breakfast now.

   If you're single and ready to mingle after Valentine's day but not really sure where to meet someone, check out the candy clearance isle.

   Marking myself safe from getting pierced in the heart by the little chubby kid going around with bow and arrow.

   generate ststus for my graphic design service on instagram

   All balloon rides are cancelled until further notice.

   I could blow up a balloon by myself (Haw! Haw!)

   I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

   If you're alone on Valentine's Day it's okay as you can love yourself enough do something nice for yourself like go out and buy your own candy and flowers, and trust me you're totally worth it!! Especially tomorrow at 80% off.

   Why do they keep interrupting the commercials with a football game

   HIS VALENTINES ... For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken

   A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

   Cocaine Bear seems kind of unbelievable. A bear that snorts coke would be a lot skinnier.

   Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

   I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

   Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

   If you’re reading this & I’m married to you… I’m locked out. Come let me in.

   So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

   I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into Brandon voters

   Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper