Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw"

   I need a girlfriend, I am exhausterbated.

   wondering if Michael Jackson will ever return from the dead to make a Thriller 2

   whenever you don't feel special or the world is draggin you down. just remember this.. there's always beer."

   Insomnia is like Viagra; It can keep you up all night.

   wishes they'd make an app that turns my iPhone into a taser..

   just bought a loaf of bread and a tube of Vagisil for my wife.....now there's a major Catch-22.

   going to take a picture of his first kid and use age progression software to figure out what he'll look like when he's 16. Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centrepiece in the house. Then when the appropriate time comes and he realiz

   I bet the hardest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who's always right.

   so today at work, I accidently ripped one in front of a hot female. Seein I was embaressed, she cheerfuly responded, "oh yeah?". She then proceeded to lift her leg and cut one of the ripest farts ive ever heard. Oddly awesome.

   Nothing quite takes the place of research like making stuff up.

   I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

   I need a credit card that can afford my lifestyle.

   wondering why someone would put down their needle anywhere near a haystack.

   It says something when you stay true to a dream even though that dream maybe out of sight.

   The older I get the better I used to be.

   If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.

   I remember as a kid we had to buy Tiger Beat and mail in a request along with $2 to join the Valerie Bertinelli fan club. Now my kids just do a name search on fb and click "like".

   going to be in a movie. I'm playing the man from Nantucket.

   thought a ipad was some sort of feminine hygiene product