Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 57 of 6384
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for the “after” photos.
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03-02-2023 13:51
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I set my phone to airplane mode. It just now tried to charge me 20 bucks for a bag of peanuts and a Sprite.
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03-02-2023 06:57
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Oh, you want a free college education? Please tell me how serious you took your free high school education.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say, “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
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03-02-2023 05:52
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This would look ALOT better in the toilet” -toddlers
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03-02-2023 05:52
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ell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans. Live a little.. Life is too short!
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03-02-2023 05:52
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Now that "Cocaine Bear" has been a hit and they are working on "Meth Alligator." I can't wait for the next installment, "Marijuana Sloth." A 7 hour slow-paced movie about a vicious Bradypus with the munchies for murder.
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03-01-2023 17:11
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With the way 2023 has been going I couldn't decide if wanted to sit outside to watch the meteorite shower or take cover.
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03-01-2023 16:11
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My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog
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03-01-2023 16:10
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I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable because it was faster than being on hold with customer service.
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03-01-2023 16:09
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You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
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03-01-2023 16:07
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Chocolate is a vegetable due to these reasons. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is processed from cocoa beans, and beans are vegetables.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
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03-01-2023 04:54
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It's tax time. Every time we drive up to our new tax guy's office, he says the same thing. "You two weren't tailed, were you?"
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03-01-2023 04:28
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Bike week is near. Vrooom.
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02-28-2023 21:37
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I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
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02-28-2023 12:15
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If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
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02-28-2023 08:44
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The worst thing about being a vegan farmer is having to wake up every morning and go milk the almonds.
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02-28-2023 07:24
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So I think I came up with a new kind of coffee. I call it the mayo latte. A regular latte with a touch of mayonnaise in it.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
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02-28-2023 05:34
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