Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today’s the start of the “Christmas hangover.” The holidays are over and everyone is getting their credit card bills. I just got mine and I can’t believe I spent that much on the Thigh Master.

   If you have a crush on me tell me b4 I invest my Valentines Money in Mutual funds

   How can he be full of crap if he needs to flush his toilet 10 times when he done crapping?

   "I don't think I can get through a day without my middle finger."

   My dog ate an entire bottle of Tums. I freaked out, so I called the veterinarian and asked him what I should do. He goes, "Take him out for Mexican?"

   "The main thing about being a woman is trying to lock in moisture" -TV

   How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

   If you want to look at who controls you, look at who you are not allowed to criticize.

   Technically, you can pick your friend's nose. Probably only once, tho...

   Interviewer: how are you with excel Me: I hate it Interviewer: an experienced user then

   The neighbor is having an open home How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

   My wife felt me because I’m dyslexic.

   "FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS!" --Me eating an insane amount of corn

   I do crunches twice a day now. Captain in the morning and Nestle in the afternoon...

   Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.

   There is a fine line between "I'm not doing anything except looking at Facebook" & " I'm not doing anything because I'm looking at Facebook"

   It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.

   No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

   Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

   I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.