Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What did the yoga instructor say when asked if she was ever going to leave? --- Nahmaste

   I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

   Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

   From what I've been told by inside sources, Pete had the most votes in Iowa, but Bernie Sanders keeps insisting that they be distributed equally.

   People that cheat on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 28 dependents in...

   The people in 1920 probably thought in 2020 we would have our own space ships and robots... but no. So far we've come up with two-sided tape and rubber bands shaped like animals.

   I think those status updates that's say copy and paste this status so I'll know who's reading my status are stupid. Copy and paste this status if you agree.

   Being a procrastinator with OCD means that I do nothing over and over and over again.

   Canadian bacon is just ham that's apologizing for not being bacon.

   You picture a lot more hair when you hear "Hair" as opposed to hearing "Hairs".

   Saying someone has a dry sense of humor implies the existence of wet senses of humor.

   Can we just call the Chinese Corona Virus Kung Flu?

   Bees build homes with their mouths and defend with their butts. Spiders build homes with their butts and defend with their mouths.

   The best things in life require no pants.

   The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll

   It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.

   Iowa's voting app failed because it was too icy to climb up the telephone poles to vote.

   My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

   *At Super Bowl Party Sunday* Hey honey, they've got a WHOLE bunch of jumbo shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

   At last night’s town hall, Bernie Sanders said, "I’ve had good endurance my whole life." Then there was an awkward rebuttal by Mrs. Bernie Sanders.