Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Nosey Friend, I know you're reading my inbox while You're "playing" with my phone.

   making the 6 Million Dollar Man sound effect as he runs.

   new drinking game: everytime Charlie Sheen says something in an interview, you take a shot....5 minutes into an hour interview and I was drunk. :/

   reminds Arsenalaction of Blair's so-called “deal in the desert” in March 2004 with a famously cheesy handshake with Col Gaddafi...you ass.

   you ever have a conversation with someone and think...If only your family tree had a few more branches, this conversation wouldn't be so painful...

   Somalia Pirates are at it again...what is this the 1600's? kill those bastrads.

   ‎"What is home really?" ... Where you hide your most intimate secrets...like your panty wearing fetish! Well that's mine, but you get the idea.

   Charlie Sheen interview tonight on 20/20...I'm going to get drunk and watch it, it'll make more sense that way.

   The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more...

   I love hearing rumors because they tell me things about myself I didn't know before.

   Hey guy next to me at the urinal, it's not a shake weight, KNOCK IT OFF... I hate using the bath room at Hooters.

   when a cop pulls you over and he tells you to get off the phone..DO NOT SAY: I gotta go honey, your husband is being a jerk. Seriously don't. ;)

   Dora and Diego, if your coming into my house it's to clean and landscape the yard.

   Dear Dora, How do you get that t-shirt to fit over your head? Sincerely, Thats physically impossiple

   Now we know for sure who the 'half' man is on 'Two and a Half Men'.

   Remember a couple years ago when everybody thought Tom Cruise was losing his marbles? Looks like Charlie Sheen has set the new standard for celiberty craziness .Better tell Oprah to hide the couch.

   given permission to get her B#T#& on. I am really looking forward to tomorrow.

   "Why didn't you answer my phone call?" Oh, sorry I was dancing to the ringtone

   called Rick Astley last night to see if I could borrow some of his Disney Pixar dvds. He said "sure, no problem, you can have anything you want", but I'm pretty sure he's never gonna give me "Up."

   no matter how you spell Gaddafi , it still spells DENIAL