Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It would blow everyone's mind if one day Charlie Sheen just pulled off a mask & it was San Kinison.

   I'm changing my relationship status to 'It's complicated' ...I can never decide which hand to use

   soo upset that I mixed up my voodoo dolls. If you feel any sharp, stabbing pains, please call me and describe the location. Thanks

   Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?

   I once dated a girl with one boob bigger than the other...She entered a wet t-shirt competition and won first and third prize

   dear GPS, please add an, "avoid ghetto" option.

   if my start phone was so smart it wouldnt get freaked out and start shaking whenever it got a text message.

   i wonder what the first person who milked a cows original intentions were.

   I'd mind my own business if yours wasn't so damn interesting

   God dont need a Dam, he can walk on water.

   My GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time" I see "Time to Beat"

   Q. How long will Charlie Sheen's tour last? A: 2 1/2 shows!

   It'd blow everyone's mind if one day Charlie Sheen just pulled off a mask & it was Andy Kaufman.

   Oh my God... that sun drop commercial with the pale chick dancing to snoop Doug is so annoying I just threw my remote at the TV screaming "shut up!!" Anyway.. I'm at best buy looking for a new TV...

   If you don't care where you are then your not lost.

   it only thunders when it's raining.. a player only loves you when he's playing..

   Gonna get a softball team going and name ourselves "off constantly". That way if we lose a game, we could still have the satisfaction of listening our opponents try to brag about beating off constantly..

   Don't let your life be hell, you get more than enough of that when it's over

   Heads up... If your significant other is paranoid about you cheating, it probably means they are.

   Funny Conundrum: Most single people wana be in a relationship, and most people in a relationship wana be single.