Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother always told me that a good man is hard to find. By that logic Bin Laden is the finest man to have ever lived.

   I typed an essay in Word about a concerned Bugs Bunny. I then saved it as 'Whats Up.doc'

   I just had an email saying "You may be entitled to £3750 for that accident you had." It must have been pretty bad, I can't even remember it happening.

   clocks visible at work should be banned. I can't stop glancing back at it after every task I complete. Its now 10:36

   In life you don't have to have a certain number of friends, you just need a number of friends you can be certain of.

   Don't you love it when you punch someone in the jaw & they don't drop so you get 2 punch em again in the temple.

   Its hard to Turn a Boy into a Man. Is even harder to Turn a Hoe into a Housewife.

   There's no such thing as a dumb question, but there is such a thing as an inquisitive idiot.

   SHOW your true colors... and let people paint a picture of you.

   Hide your true colors and let people paint their picture of you.

   If my blood alcohol was Butler's shooting percentage, I could legally drive.

   Bowling is like doing meth, every time I spin I always end up in the gutter.

   When someone asks a dumb question it's really hard to not reply with a sarcastic answer

   wouldn't it be funny if TLC would combine people from Hoarders and people from I Have OCD for a new reality show???

   a picture speaks a thousand words.. but with photoshop, it tells a thousand lies..

   Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again we're going to have to let you go."

   At this rate, the government should start up a fuel stamp program

   Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old

   A man goes to the Doctors with an hearing problem. Dr. says "Can you describe the symptoms" - "Yea sure, Homer is fat and drinks beer and Marge has blue hair!"

   Don't wear skinny jeans unless you have skinny genes. And two X chromosomes, Thank You