Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight!! Woop* Happy Friday the 13th!!

   I wonder when the first episode Ashton Kutcher gonna punk the cast of two and a half men.

   So it is being reported that a Extensive Porn Stash was found in Bin Ladens compound. So this the "Treasure Trove" they spoke of!

   Ashton Kutcher to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Remaining cast and crew already planning their own "Torpedo of Truth" tour.

   Microsoft bought skype for 8.5 billion dollars ... Idiots !!!! They could have downloaded it for freee !!

   You will do Great in Two and Half Men 'Ashton Kutcher', but you can never replace Charlie Sheen !!

   Ashton Kutcher replaces Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men.......Sheen's no longer winning is he?

   was thinking with the end of the world coming a week from Saturday now might be a good time to pick up a new Ferrari and have an affair.

   3 man code violations to report this week..1) seen a guy drinkin a can a diet pepsi with a straw 2) heard that two guys rode to work together on the same motorcycle 3) seen a guy driving a mini van with a doo rag on

   Cicadas, Crafty LiL critters... I swear they play dead then when you turn away they fix those beady red eyes on your back and can fly just enough to land in your hair! Oh, and they have a death grip, 150 mph blower and they laugh...laugh I tell you!

   Ask me about our "blowj*bs for drinks program"

   I'm not a proctologist...but I know an A**HOLE when I see one

   I hanker for a hunka, a slab or slice or chunka, I hanker for a hunka cheese. When your get up and go has got up and went......

   They say good things come to those who wait, so it looks like ima be bout an hour late ;)

   I remember when I was younger "Friday the 13th" used to make me think about Jason movies. Now all I can think about is "Do the bars have any specials today?"

   Would like to rename "obese" to "Dyslexic Anorexia"

   Bleah and Latex Gloves: $10.. Plastic wrap, trash bags and duct tape: $20...Chainsaw: $200 The horrified look on the cashiers face: PRICELESS!"

   needs a facebook button that says 'stfu already'

   Some 12 year old called my house at 2:45 this morning to ask if I ordered Indian food. I said, "Are you serious? I ordered that 8 hours ago!" He stuttered, apologized, and hung up! Prank Call Reversal!

   Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check... Horny campers, that's easy!