Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even though my house has an alarm, I still like to set booby traps...just in case.

   That awkward moment when you're at a red light and you look at the person next to you and they're already looking at you

   aaah the weekend... drink triple, see double, act single.

   I Spent the last 30 minutes trying to trim my side burns and am now sporting a nice mohawk..

   Men make mistakes the problem is god gave us a brain and A wienner but not enough blood supply to run both at the same time..!!!

   I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

   Everyone is a Freak, it just takes the right person to bring out that side of you.

   What is the appropriate gift to give your woman on your 5th year anniversary..... of the restraining order?

   I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.

   If drunkness was a professional sport, I would probably be disqualified for steroids.

   You know that little voice in your head that tells you "No?" Yeeeah, mine died a long time ago.

   DNA Tests today confirmed danny devito is arnolds love child..

   MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on?

   Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver

   Remember as we are planing for our tomorrows, our brave soilders are giving theirs today.. Have a safe an wonderful Memorial weekend everyone!!

   if it wasnt for the gutter, my mind would be homeless...

   This just in, all the kids in Kindergarten Cop are Arnold's

   earth is full, go home.

   Does anybody have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?

   Your first mistake was leaving me. Your second mistake was thinking I would die without you.