Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife just told me to not let her buy anything at the mall, which is kind of like when a werewolf asks you to chain them to a tree on the night of a full moon.

   Marriage tip: Ladies, when you're arguing with your spouse, just remind them "one of us is right, and the other one is YOU".

   Just so we're clear, I have no problem with the LG HDTV community.

   I'm going to start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

   Gun Control means hitting your target. And so does Anger Management.

   How come when someone is missing the media makes them out to be a saint? Why not just say 'yeah their a jerk but lets find them anyway?'

   went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

   Today's International Brotherhood of Manhood Tip: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

   Yoga Pants should have a weight limit.

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got the damn thing off, she had left the room.

   I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

   Not to brag or anything, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore, steal covers or pass gas.. and I only pee if something startles me.

   So sick of all the time travel jokes next week.

   I have the answers to the ethics test if anyone needs them

   Wife girlfriend

   OK, but in my defense, when my wife told me to "drop a load in the washing machine" her wording was a little ambiguous.

   Boop Bop Beeda Beep Boop Lop Bee eezz ... YOU'VE GOT MAIL !! 📭😁

   I figured it out. Instagram is for people who read books but only look at the pictures.

   I’m really glad we don’t have to hunt our own food anymore…. I don’t even know where sandwiches live.

   They should switch the premise of The Amazing Race and make it about Caucasians.