Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sales of Lady Gaga's newest CD have dropped 85% in the second week. As people have started actually listening to it.

   When you bring the Taco Bell 12 pack of tacos to the party. You won't be finding yourself invited to a lot of parties.

   When I hear you say: "We need to work together." What I hear is you saying" "I'm not smart enough to complete this task."

   Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathrooms look like, one mirror at a time.

   Congressman Weiner was apparently also sexting a porn star. When asked how they ended up involved with someone in such a sleazy profession, the porn star said "I don't know."

   Mash the great here to save the day again! Thanks man.

   200 Happy Birthday Messages on my wall and all I got was a Farmville tractor.

   Seriously mad that Youtube sold out... Now I have to watch a 30 second ad about "herpies medication" before I watch a 20 second clip about "feels better without a condom"..

   "The truth is..." = "Here's a lie I've had some time to work on."

   If you want to be a part of my life you will only communicate with me via electronics.

   It's ironic that we call it "common" sense when there seems to be such a lack of it.

   A little word to my Facebook friends. Stop accepting requests from scantily clad ladies in short skirts taking pics of themselves in the mirror. These are not real friends and you will end up having your FB wall pimped selling shoes. HELLO!?

   If the eyes are the window to our soul... I better pluck mine out.

   Sometimes I see an old girlfriend on Facebook and post on her wall, "Great pictures of you and the family!" But what I really want to say is "Remember that time we got drunk and f*cked at that party?

   My alarm jolted me awake this morning. I hit the snooze button. When it startled me again ten minutes later I threw it across the room and fell right back to sleep. Ten minutes later my girlfriend's cat jumped up onto my chest meowing... Sorry kitty.

   My girlfriend and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

   Remember, Make-up can fix blemishes, but it can't fix you being a b!tch.

   Restless leg syndrome. A syndrome? I have no idea what constitutes a syndrome, but it sounds a hell of a lot more serious than calling it wiggly bouncy legs.

   Last week, a lady in China had a baby with three arms. They're always one step ahead of us aren't they? He's probably making shoes and toys right now as I type this.

   I don't blame Mexicans for boarder hopping. We did something subliminally messed up to them. When we were creating our country, just above Mexico, we created a state called New Mexico. Now what Mexican wouldn't want to check that out?