Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in a world that has Taco Bell is there really a need for X-Lax? just sayin :)

   The best thing about using exclamation marks is that no one knows how sad you are!!!

   Everybody loves pot brownies. But I bring crystal meth cupcakes to a party, suddenly I'm the weirdo.

   All Right.unless you are a cup of coffee stay outa my face for the next hour!

   man you should have seen this girl walking past me she said " omg your so hot I want you now" if you don't believe me ask Brad Pitt he was behind me.

   Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

   Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man, fishing's not that hard.

   you know you've had too much to drink when you try to fax someone a fruit rollup.

   tongue effing a hot pocket.........oh wait, is that one of the highly inappropriate status messages that makes christians unfriend me?

   How do you know you've found Lebron James' cell phone? It vibrates and receives calls, but doesn't have a ring!

   I got a cialis caught in my throat...I've had a stiff neck for 36 hours

   The tv show American Pickers ought to be renamed to American Pickers & Hoarders

   if I knit you a sweater, Computer, will you stop freezing?

   Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

   I'm old enough to know what's right and wrong, but I'm too young to care.

   have you noticed that when somebody in a movie is told to look out the window they never go to the wrong one?

   i am dating this really sweet homeless chic, she just asked me to move out with her

   just looked in the mirror and saw your next boyfriend

   Sometimes I feel like you guys are only my friends for my statuses

   I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house.