Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet Cleveland is cheering louder than Dallas. Way to go Mavs!

   I went outside once.... The animation was alright, but the characters and story line sucked.

   70 years after WW2, and LeBron James has America rooting for the German. SMH, Congratulations Mavericks......

   this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can't talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao

   Terrorists are like salmon, life is good until the seals show up

   I don't think Cough drops have an expiration date but at some point you have to start eating them with the wrapper still on.

   I just stepped on a Lego piece in bare feet and accidentally won a krumping contest.

   A lawnmower is like a man. You either have to push it or ride it if you expect to get any work out of it.

   Big Boobs makes my ADHD go crazy!

   - Boobs are a lot like toy trains...they are meant for kids but dads like playing with them too

   Anthony Weiner just needs to call Bill Clinton and get advice from a pro.

   on tv shows whenever someone gets audited, they have a box with all of their receipts. Who has a box? I don't have a box. Should I have a box?

   going to defrag my brain. Process takes 8 to 9 hours. Will be unavailable till reboot is complete..

   Who needs thr circus when you can go to Walmart. "Our prices are as low as the self esteem of our freaks"

   If you've ever taken a baby to a movie, please set yourself on fire. Thanks.

   Accidentally watched a few minutes of The Bachelor and now I can't remember a single state capitol.

   apparently there are stupid questions. They're the ones I ask my wife.

   So Facebook is coming out with a new software that uses facial recongnition to automatically tag all pictures posted. Something tells me "drunken loser" will have the most tags ever.

   I don't believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.

   Do you want to speak to the man in charge or to the woman who knows what's going on?