Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?

   So a Jew, a Christian and a Muslim walk into a bar. The bartender turns around and says, “What is this … a joke?”

   My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."

   shocked.. who would have known Kim Kardashian would get a ring before LeBron James!

   Harold Camping must not have realized that the rapture was just going to be for him...

   always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, just incase

   Once in a while you need to ask yourself, If sex was removed from your relationship, would you still be together. Would you still have a relationship to talk about? Or you owe your relationship to great sex?

   sex a benefit of a relationship or is a relationship a benefit of sex?

   I'm not a Dallas or Miami fan, could care less who won and the Lebron james jokes are stupid.....Kill Yourselves

   I know I am not getting any action when my wife comes to bed wearing skinny jeans. Thats her code for you piss me off so you not getting any tonight.

   When will men ever learn. Dont piss off your woman and expect her to fix you a delicious sandwich. Believe me you don't wanna know some of the ingredients she will use.

   If you are one of those people on Facebook that does the little "Questions about people?" apps... Before you post one on my wall... Do me a BIG favor... Look in the mirror and hit yourself in the head with a hammer one time for me... Thanks!!! /:)

   would like monkey bars alot more if they were less like playground equipment, and more like places monkeys go to drink beer and socialize

   if your password is your name, you deserve to be hacked

   where do all the characters go that you type on the keyboard before you realize the cursor isn't in the box?

   Im all about recycling and this green movement and all but I just read that my new boxer briefs were made from 100% recycled materials. Yea, can they not do that....

   I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic

   Scars remind us of where we've been, they don't have to dictate where were going

   Errant 'Rapture' Prophet Harold Camping Suffers a Stroke..guess he didnt see that one coming.

   no matter what happens in England my queen will always be Latifah