Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never dreamed that motherhood would include telling my boys: "Don't pee on the lawn mower!"

   Government cheese makes the world a better place!

   was glad to see it was "peter tweeter" Anthony Weiner's last day in office but I was a bit dismayed when I heard that Gary Busey was slotted as his interim replacement.

   If "graphic pictures" will be required on cigarette packs, then I want to see graphic pics of ugly babies on condoms and ugly chicks WITHOUT goggles on beer bottles.

   Why do they try to make pet food in TV commercials look good to humans?

   Our relationship was like the Fourth of July. It started with fireworks but was over by the end of the night.

   B**ch please. Don't confuse hate with jealousy.

   There are worse things than waking up on the wrong side of the bed. You could wake up on the right side of the bed with the wrong person.

   A lapdance is so much better when the stripper is cryin.

   Insanity means never having to say “I'm Guilty”.

   My wife decided to take up violin with good intentions but she couldn't decide which chin to rest it on

   honestly believes girls are like parking spaces...good ones are already taken! and the ones left over are handicapped

   The best medicine in the world is a mother's hug

   Its amazing how something so small can feel so good. Q-tips.

   "I wasn't drunk!!" "Dude, you were in my pool trying to find Nemo" ·

   'I wasn't that drunk' Dude, you threw my hamster shouting GO Pikachu.

   Samsung infuse 4G AT&T comercial, with The Lady SCREAMING and the guy Beating the phone with his shoe... Please Hit yourself in the head with a hammer. Thank you

   Tone Loc accused of domestic violence???...gonna be gettin' served that Funky Cold Subpoena...

   Guy walks out of the restroom, Girl says:"Sir your garage door is open", Guy asks:"Did you see my Harley", Girl says:"No, I saw a mini bike with two flat tires"

   I tried an experiment last night I took 3 Caffeine Pills and 3 Tylenol PM's to see who would win, ya caffeine won. I been up for 30 hours.