Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING NEWS: United States resumes not caring about soccer, looks forward to NFL Football in September

   I'm not one to brag, but I deserve a medal. I just rescued a piece of cake that was trapped in the refrigerator.

   I'm not saying she is nasty, but her astrological sign is Biohazard.

   A homeless man comes up to asking for change,I say"change comes from within" he looked stunned.

   dear yellow light. challenge accepted!

   as a true sports fan, and not picking sides the performance of the USA Women's Soccer Team is a BIG STFU to the all the male chauvinist people out there who don't like women's sports

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got Alzheimer's, cheese on toast.

   Americans think that the word Morons applies to them? C'mon guys don't think that about yourselves... That's for the rest of the world to do.

   I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush

   Likes cooking just to see how fast fire trucks can really go

   Casey Anthony and OJ Simpson are having a party tonight. Bring your duct tape and gloves for a killer time.

   Life is what you make it! Be careful what ingredients you add!

   Saw a magazine with two girls on it from the show Teen Mom that said "Teen Mom Ruined my life" REALLY?? I supposed the fact that you couldn't keep your panties on in the first place had NOTHING to do with it?

   A well timed "Have a good day!" can be a great substitute for "F**k you!" in almost every situation

   Scenario: The armed police officer following Casey Anthony out of jail with a AR15, " fake tripping and firing 10 rounds in her back" PRICELESS!!!

   it just me or does Obama look like an Angry Bird?

   You remind me of my big toe.. Why?..cause I'm going to end up banging you on my coffee table.....

   Let be grateful for the people who make us happy and get rid of the deadwood that makes us sad.

   my stomach is going "grr". does it hate me?

   Someone just told me that everything that I see in the internet isn't true.......so does that mean that there's no beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me?