Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it aint broken dont fix it. Now why did Facebook people have to mess with the CHAT?

   I would like to congratulate Charlie Sheen on his demotion from CBS to TBS...If he keeps progrssing at this pace, his next stop should be "dinner theater" at an L.A. soup kitchen.

   Don't have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..

   Relationships are like jobs, they require full time, overtime, no paid time off, and the benefits are based on performance.

   If I could do it all over again... I probably wouldn't be pu$$y and make the remark "If I could do it all over again."

   Transitions Lenses are a great way let people know you wear socks when you're having sex.

   Everyone has that moment of terror when their line of thinking goes from "Where did I park my car?" to "Did someone steal my f*cking car?"

   I just thought of an airtight alibi, now I just have to come up with a worthy crime...

   Sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

   Wife: If I become fat and ugly will you leave me? Husband starts laughing. Wife: WHAT?! Husband: I'm still here ain't I?

   The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty? :D

   If your girlfriend starts smoking slow down and use a lubricant

   Confucius Say: Girl who go on fishing trip with 6 men, come back with red snapper.

   Confucius Say: Girl who go on fishing trip with 6 men, come back with red snapper.

   My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is read aloud.

   Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that's my Dad for ya.

   What all do I want on my 5 dollar footlong you ask? Let's just say I want you to have to sit on it like a suitcase to get it to closed when you're done.

   my phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass? I guess this think really is a smartphone

   ...that uncomfortable moment after you call your girlfriend the wrong name.

   I went to a family style restaurant today and felt right at home. They yelled at me the entire time I was there.