Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a move to divide California into two states: The state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy.

   the New Facebook Chat! You have friends Online.. But you have to guess who more then half of them are!"

   Dear Android developers,Could you please stop making new phones for just a little while not too long but just a little while so I can experience contentment with the phone that I have ..ps I cannot afford to buy every phone you make.

   You seem to resemble a feminine hygiene product one might typically use on a summers eve...and the bag it came in.....just sayin!!

   Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman's boots...

   thank you, tapout for clearly showing the world who the douches are...

   If only I could figure out a way to fall asleep at work without anybody noticing. That would definitely be one of my top achievements in life!

   Wal Mart is a scary place after dark

   Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck!

   Message to Scotland Yard Canteen Manager: Please wear a suit to work tomorrow, as you are now their highest ranking employee.

   I married my wife for her looks, just not the ones she has been giving me lately

   if poop were people.... then I just sh#t Lou Farrigno

   You think a day care has a lot of crying babies and screaming kids? Try playing one online match in Call of Duty v_v

   Facebook was the most searched term on Google last month. If you need Google to find Facebook, you shouldn't be using the internet.

   Remember, they're laughing with you, not at you. They're only pointing at you so you know who they're laughing with.

   Don't tell me anything about the new Harry Potter film! I still haven't seen the first 6 films.

   I'm convinced that you could start a fire with the insides of a just nuked Hot Pocket.

   I still say they would sell way more PT Cruisers if they would just put a ZZ Top logo on the side.

   That'll do, Jamie Lee Curtis. I think we are all now sufficiently aware of how well and often you poop. Enough.

   As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..