Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just like a magnet, you can always link a postive to every negative.

   For all you crying babies that don't like "government",or "government is to big",move to Somalia,no "government there for the last 20 years

   I switched the neighbor's dog chew toy with the voodoo doll I made of my ex. Now I wait...

   sexy, seductive and invincible ...No, wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that. Never mind

   A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident,

   Please don't make me go all CAPS LOCK on your a$$.

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts...

   In successful relationships, no one wears the pants.

   You know your vacation sucks when you're constantly writing updates about it on Facebook.

   asked by his wife to buy her something that goes from 0 to 80 in less than 5 seconds for her birthday...but she didn't like the weighing scale I got her.

   im not sure how to say this but I'm gonna say it the only way I know how but...I wanna have sex Katy Perry.

   It always confuses me when I see that sign in the bathroom that reads..."DO NOT FLUSH FOREIGN OBJECTS"...ha! Yeah, as if what's coming out of my a$$ isn't Foreign enough!

   I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.

   A flash mob sounds alot more fun then it actually is.

   Recent studies have shown that smoking marijuana destroys the memory.. well if thats true, then what does smoking marijuana do?

   it just me,or is Stevie Nicks starting to look like Johnny Cash?

   n't it strange how hot sexy women always drive cute little cars? Which reminds me - the MOT's due on the wife's Transit.

   Hi, I'm Tweeting from casualty. Nothing to worry about, just turns out the new Dyson ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

   I remember when I was the bad ass that had to walk at the end of the line in kindergarten.

   I've just bought a new boomarang; took me 3 weeks to throw the old one away!