Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What is about public restrooms that make people go, "Yeah, I'm just not going to flush"

   Hey guy walking down the street talking on bluetooth with a bag in one hand and nothing in the other, please use your free hand to slap yourself

   wondering which foreign countries are currently helping US during this Hurricane Irene clean up effort... (including shelter and food for the families whose lifestyles were turned upside down)

   “The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old

   So this "Planking" thing... laying face down on various objects... I've been doing that forever. I call it "Sleeping" though.

   So my tailbone has been killing me cause I'm putting in extra hours working. I talked to the nurse about it. She said and I quote "stop sitting on your ass so much".

   Some girl at the nightclub last night said to me, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha." I replied, "20 x 0 = 0." That shut the focker up.

   Ladies: Having a male friend is a lot like having a pet tiger. Sure its fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day it turns on you.

   Arsenal fans didn't have breakfast today; apparently they 8 - 2 much yesterday

   Turns out, if your boss is mad at you, playing a surprise game of "Got Your Nose" will NOT ease the tension.

   Here's something you'll never hear, "Oh cool, you have a pink lighter."

   Nothing personal, but if you're wearing one of those new plastic & velcro boot/cast things, stay the f*** away from me.

   I wish somebody would invent a Slim Fast beer.

   I wonder if Kayne West will redeem himself when Beyonce's baby is born, like ripping it from her arms and handing it to Taylor Swift

   I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.

   Any post that doesn't have to do with Dumbo is simply irrelephant

   You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!"

   All good things come to those you hate. While you sit and wonder why this is true, the one you hate is enjoying their life while you just sit there and wonder why.

   When non-smokers come to My house, I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke.

   My new boss: Those cigarettes will kill you. Me: My Great-Grandfather lived to be 102. Boss: Smoking? Me: Minding his own business.