Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people have thousands of friends on Facebook, then they turn off the computer and they have nobody.

   It sucks when the ugly friend is the only one that is interested in you.

   Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie

   If you seriously get jealous of them having friends of the opposite sex on Facebook, then your a$$ deserves to be dumped.

   Ghetto Word Of The Day: HOTEL. Usage: I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the hotel everybody.

   Most things are easier said than done, I wish it was the other way around.

   McDonalds Monopoly starts today, and my annual ritual to find my specs so I can read the .05 mm alphanumeric numbers on the bottom

   The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.

   Have you noticed each generation is getting ruder and shorter?

   The first step is admitting you're a problem.

   When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time

   I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

   Oxiclean commercials just aren't the same without Billy Mays. Also late night tv needs more Vince from Shamwow. That hooker prob had it coming

   Nothing says I blow as a superhero like the Bionic Man's slow motion running. Except maybe for using David Carridine style kung fu.

   I want you......I need you......to gouge my freakin eyes out if I'm ever forced to watch Nancy Grace trying to dance sexy again.

   Ladies.... you cannot ruin friendship with sex.... thats like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate syrup.... which btw does not ruin sex either

   Sign Board At Petrol Pump: 'Please Don't Smoke here... V knw Ur Life has No Value but Petrol is Very EXPENSIVE'

   I'm an angel. Honest. The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.

   I feel sorry for the adjective "flaccid" for it will forever be associated with that one thing...

   A mouth with a sharp tongue will cut its own throat