Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is that whenever the doorbell rings my dogs always think it is for them?

   Calm down! Walmart is just asking you to wear a mask and you can still wear your pajamas and leave your bras and teeth at home.

   So Wal-mart is making all customers wear masks now. Next thing you know, we'll have to wear pants too!

   I imagine a two year old having a temper tantrum as being the next statue erected honoring all those brave men and women who refuse to wear a mask.

   My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

   Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

   So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?

   Joe B. always looks like he suffers from an intestinal parasite.

   ejaculate and evacuate

   If I were a rat, I wouldn't give my ass either.

   Think my cat might be depressed. She just told me she's thinking about getting a cat.

   If I was a roofer I'd go around saying I'm single and ready to shingle.

   Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

   Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

   When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

   I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that goofy power walk.

   If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be. I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees. [Unfortunately,she was just coming home]

   Someone wake up Joe to come see this...

   The Lysol commercial said I should disinfect what I touch the most but I have a feeling that's gonna burn.