Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All of you, my friends are like boobs. Some of y’all are real, some are fake. But all of y’all need to be pinched.

   I bought some potting soil on Sale. You might say it was "dirt cheap".

   They say vapor-rub is good for a stomach ache.. but I think it tastes terrible.. and it gave me diarhrea...

   Trying to get used to this new AI app that's supposed to correct your grammar but it's changing stuff without my permission and I'm starting to think that it has a mind of its PAY NO ATTENTION TO THIS MAN. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS HARMLESS.

   big butt

   My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

   Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

   Well, like I said to my television the other day watching Brandon. How can these people be so stupid?

   Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

   Everyone talks about global warming, but what about global humidity?

   If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don't mind it at all.

   Common sense is like deodorant... The people who really need it never use it.

   What if the real Slim Shady is in a wheelchair?

   Daddy..what's a transvestitie? Go ask your mother he'll tell you

   Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, despite not having a brain. This gives so many people hope.

   The Bible is like a Boob Job. The book is real and the boobs are real. It's the stuff inside that's fake.

   Stop being a butthole. There. Now I’m your life coach.

   Marriage tip 101: If your wife asks you if the dress she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym just like she runs her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   They should change the name of the Bible to: "The Big Book of Contradictions, Fairy Tales and False Promises."

   What does it say for Climate when the NHL ice hockey playoffs are played during the Summer between one team in Florida and the other in the dessert?