Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2020 is a jerk! It only wants to make our leader look bad.

   If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

   I'm amazed that my iPhone suddenly stopped working just in time as the new iPhone came out.

   If you truly care about the friends you haven't seen in awhile, don't go see them during a pandemic.

   Pro Tip: Adopt a retired drug dog to help find fun friends at parties.

   Teacher: "Billy give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat, and detail in it." Bily: "When a horse jumps defence, defeat go first then detail.

   Love how I can remember the lyrics to just about any song written in the 70s but can't remember where I laid my car keys down last night?

   the more things change, the more they stay the same.

   A woman with her tongue pierced is like Microsoft. When you can’t do it right, throw more hardware at it.

   Covid-19 is the viral equivalent of a hangnail. If you believe this thing is anything more than that, you're an imbeciIe.

   I'm going to name my next dog Nama . So I can say NamaStay !

   "This ain't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo

   Just because I disagree with you does not mean I hate you. We need to relearn that in our society.

   Think I'm going to keep covering my face with a mask after the pandemic as they're really helping my dating life.

   Remember that chubby kid that couldn't play sports and was picked on by the kids who were good at it? Ask him how he feels about the entire world of sports imploding.

   I swear to God if I had one of those Race Car Beds, it would be on jack stands too.

   Being old is like being young. When ur young, you have to wait after you eat to go swimming. When you're old, you have to wait after you take Viagra to have sex. Either way, you have to wait an hour before you can go for a "dip."

   My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!” This day is looking better already!

   2020 is rough but I think infound a way to get threw.im just gonna ask my mom if slapping me into next year is still on the table.

   If you wear a mask when you're driving alone, there's no need for you to put a Biden sticker on your car. We already know.