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Page: 417 of 6446
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
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09-17-2020 08:47
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I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
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09-17-2020 07:48
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Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
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09-17-2020 07:48
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For Halloween I'm going to go as a normal person with no mask since that seems to scare the sh*t out of everyone🎃 🤔💪😜🇨🇦🇺🇸
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09-16-2020 19:53
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All those tree huggers should've let the loggers cut down all the forests!
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09-16-2020 15:40
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Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
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09-16-2020 11:49
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If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.
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09-16-2020 08:30
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Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins] Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
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09-16-2020 08:22
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If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
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09-16-2020 08:20
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If you’re approaching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.
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09-16-2020 08:17
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I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.
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09-16-2020 08:15
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My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
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09-16-2020 08:14
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A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
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09-16-2020 08:12
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I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen
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09-16-2020 08:12
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My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
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09-16-2020 08:12
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I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.
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09-16-2020 08:12
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Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
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09-16-2020 08:09
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The only reason she hasn’t killed me yet, is because she knows she’ll cry and miss me.
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09-16-2020 06:31
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If you find a girl that makes you laugh, keep her because women are not funny.
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09-16-2020 04:34
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My doctor says I need to cut back on my gluten. Over my bread body!
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09-16-2020 00:51 by
moon
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