Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

   I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

   Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

   For Halloween I'm going to go as a normal person with no mask since that seems to scare the sh*t out of everyone🎃 🤔💪😜🇨🇦🇺🇸

   All those tree huggers should've let the loggers cut down all the forests!

   Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

   If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

   Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins] Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

   If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

   If you’re approaching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

   I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.

   My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

   A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

   I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

   My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

   I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.

   Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

   The only reason she hasn’t killed me yet, is because she knows she’ll cry and miss me.

   If you find a girl that makes you laugh, keep her because women are not funny.

   My doctor says I need to cut back on my gluten. Over my bread body!