Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

   Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign? Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

   Okay, I've decided to come clean. The reason I sit at the kids' table on Thanksgiving is just so I can hide the green bean casserole under my grandson's plate.

   The good old days are in the past, yet the memories are alive in the present.

   Do men ever make a Honey-Do list for their wives? Write a bunch of things for her to do on a piece of paper, hand it to her and say "Here, get this stuff done." Let me know how that works out for you.

   People under the age of 30 have never listened to a record, so if you say "I don't want to sound like a broken record," they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means, they don't know what that means.

   2020 is what happens when you mix tarot cards with cards against humanity.

   Believe in God like y’all believe in that Toilet paper and y’all will be Ok..🤧

   For all my friends that have had to work from home since the lockdowns I bet you haven't once reheated fish in your own home.

   Your mindset is everything. You can have it all and still be unhappy, or you can have nothing and still manage to be happy.

   Penicillin led to the decline of western syphilization.

   Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

   Well it’s that time of the year to go outside and pretend to put up the Christmas lights I never took down from last year.

   As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

   1965~ Wow Cher looks good 1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good 1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good 2020 ~Wow Cher looks good 3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

   Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

   The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit Me: new boat The wife: lower sky

   My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

   Husband: We need to stop spending so much money. Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

   There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.