Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to my girlfriend's house to make mad, passionate love to her. Then have her fix us something to eat. That's what's meant by bed and breakfast, right?

   Dropping my cheeseburger on the ground before I eat it is about as organic as I get

   Do any of you - when you're in bed at night - pluck out your pubes and hold them up to the phone light then toss them on the floor?

   Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

   Last week, I tried to kill a spider with an entire can of cheap hairspray. No luck. It now smokes two packs a day, wears blue eye shadow, joined a bowling league and calls itself "Brenda."

   its okay Christmas Tree. My lights don't come on either.

   Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

   In other news...the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.

   Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

   Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

   Official quote of 2020 ... "YOU'RE ON MUTE !!"

   All I want for Christmas is a stimulus check.

   Which wine pairs best with Spicy chicken Ramen ?

   wow, already December? Time flies when you've been drunk since March

   Don't drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back...

   Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please

   I vote for Chinx getting the vaccine last.

   This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

   *feeling chest pain* probably need more pie

   I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.