Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here is some good free advice. When you see someone gorgeous, this is what I do. I just stare until I get tired, then I put the mirror down and go do something else.

   Forgive and forget? What do I look like? Jesus with Alzheimer's?

   I can relate to batteries. I'm not included in anything either.

   Marriage tip: If your wife is upset with you, simply tell her that you'll buy her some crayons if she wants to keep acting like a child. After hearing this, she will immediately reflect on her behavior and calm down.

   Dianne Feinstein has passed away. I think I'll have enchiladas for dinner.

   The Wicked Witch of the West said it best: What a world, what a world

   I once took a Viagra and it lasted longer than 4 hours. I asked my date if I should call the doctor. She screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE!!!"

   The female version of teabagging is called flapuccino.

   “Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

   To the thief who stole my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy.

   Hey guys, lets confuse the girls..245/35R18

   9 years ago, my friend Mike came running from the room shouting “It’s a boy” with tears in his eyes. We never went back to Thailand.

   September Alzheimers and Dementia awareness month. Everybody forgets it.

   You know you are older when..you have to cross your legs to sneeze!

   Home is where you can scratch where it really itches.

   Remember WWE admitted everything was staged entertainment? I'm waiting for politicians to make the same announcement.

   "Is this really necessary?" -My voicemail greeting

   Yom Kippur: Hebrew for, "We atone for our sins today, which we will commit again tomorrow." Catholic Confession: "Ditto."

   BLOND: How much does that microwave cost? MANAGER: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. BLOND: How did you know I was a natural blond? MANAGER: Because that's a TV.

   When everyone can see you're being a d!(k .... you're a cting like grey sweatpants