Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one......but think the odds of winning the HGTV Dream Home are pretty good.

   My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch....

   Not today, Satan. Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

   If you keep referring to your girlfriend as your lady friend I'm going to automatically assume you met on Craigslist.

   AMAN: Well son...If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to put the milk back into a refrigerator, Then yes, I suggest marriage.

   Algebra is like sex. I didn’t really get it in high school, and I definitely don’t get it now.

   Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

   Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing? Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

   I think that Biden got confused with picking Mayor Pete as Transportation Secretary. He is a Rhodes Scholar, not a Roads Scholar.

   I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.

   Does it bother anyone else when you here someone say, "I axe him"

   my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

   What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

   “I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, as I open the bag

   I love snow – People who never shovel

   If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

   Sons Teacher on zoom: On December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to form the Christmas star. Me in background: pssst....son ask her where Uranus will be? Son: Teacher where will Uranus be? Teacher: Well it will be over here. [Points to map] Son: Uranu

   My Sons Teacher: December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to make a Christmas Star

   My daughter was eating a snack cake while her mother gave her a haircut. I said, "You're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She said, "I know, daddy. And I'm gonna get b00bies too!"

   Due to my white privilege I will be donating my Covid vaccine to someone less fortunate.