Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 296 of 6386
From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.
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02-16-2021 10:43
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Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
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02-16-2021 10:41
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At least with all the pick-up and. four wheel drives in Texas they shouldn't have much trouble driving in the snow.
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02-16-2021 10:32
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You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
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02-16-2021 10:31
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I learned something today – dibs is not the appropriate response when your friend announces his divorce
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02-16-2021 10:30
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
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02-16-2021 10:14
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I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
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02-16-2021 09:51
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Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
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02-16-2021 09:50
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I swore off men….it lasted 3 1/2 minutes.
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02-16-2021 09:49
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I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
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02-16-2021 09:49
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My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
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02-16-2021 09:48
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You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
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02-16-2021 09:48
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Wouldn't it be awesome if the snow relief package people threw rolls of paper towels at us?
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02-16-2021 09:40
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Security Guard: You can't bring outside food in here
Me: This is a service burrito
True love means being with someone want to see you get ahead in life by waiting until February 15th to get their flowers in candy at 50% off.
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02-16-2021 01:51
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murder is just a late abortion
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02-15-2021 23:49
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If women aren’t meant to cook then why do they have milk and eggs inside their bodies
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02-15-2021 20:39 by IzBlack
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If free speech is such a great thing, then why did God tell us "thou shall not lie"?
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02-15-2021 18:37
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Merry 50% off Cake and Candy day everyone!
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02-15-2021 17:20
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Don't worry Texans, the snow will disappear like magic in April.
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02-15-2021 16:08
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